St. Louis

I'm going to go ahead and start off this post with my highlight of the trip. If you are a male in your mid to late 20s, you grew up on professional wrestling. Personally, I grew up idolizing (and I use this term incredibly loosely) guys like Hulk Hogan, Sting, Lex Luger, and Bill Goldberg. Now, a majority of these guys are washed-up losers who are either doing coke in a Denny's bathroom, trying to make a "comeback" in a high school gymnasium somewhere, or killing themselves/girlfriends/children/etc. That being said, I never really imagined I would be too excited to run into any of these guys somewhere. That couldn't be further from the truth on my flight to St. Louis (by way of Detroit).


As I was trying to find an overhead compartment to stow my carry-on, I saw the bummiest looking camouflage duffle bag taking up way too much space. I reached for it, tempted to toss it out the window, but I decided to be a nice guy and ask the gentleman seated below the overhead compartment if he would mind if I moved his bag. I looked down and saw the scariest man I've ever seen in my life. Nasty mustache, huge nose, the most defined jaw bone you've ever seen, and a throwback WWF hat. That's right, it was none other than Sargent Slaughter.

How the hell am I supposed to address a man who made a living literally slaughtering people? "Excuse me...Mr. Slaughter?" That doesn't sound right. So, I stumbled over my words and politely asked him if I could move his bag to make room for mine. Silence. He looked up at me and said, "That'll cost you $5." Epic. Sargent Slaughter just cracked a joke to me. Being the consummate funny guy that I am, I had to come back with something solid. Hmmm...make a wisecrack about that time he beat the Ultimate Warrior to win the heavyweight belt? Bust his chops and ask if he'd like to put me in the Cobra Clutch? Nah, I just responded, "Cool! I'll get you on the way out" and he cracked a half-hearted smile. The remainder of the flight was spent staring at him to make sure he didn't snap and threaten to wrestle me.

The picture to the left is a snapshot from my window seat of one of the wings on our plane. If you're anything like me, as soon as you board a plane you become an Inspector Gadget of airplane safety. As soon as I get settled, I'm taking mental notes of every passenger on the plane in the event that that the plane crashes and I'm the only survivor. I want to be able to recreate the landscape for the book and movie, of course. I also take it upon myself to let the flight crew know if anything appears off with the mechanics of the plane. Ya' know, if I see a screw missing or if one of the tires is flat. Something that anyone with eyes and a brain could do. That being said, what the hell is with this wing? It looks like something Doc Brown and Marty McFly threw together in a barn somewhere in the 80s. The least they could do is paint it for Christ's sake. Anyways, if you are reading this I guess the wing was good enough to get us to Detroit.

Speaking of Detroit, what a nice airport they have. I'm not going to make any sort of wisecracks regarding the irony in this since I'm from a city that is relentlessly poked fun of in the media, let's just say I was pleasantly surprised. A quality transit system, nice televisions everywhere, and a ton of restaurants. That being said, I'll need more than a sales pitch from Eminem to get me to venture outside of the airport into the city. Fortunately for me, my final destination was not the Motor City. Unfortunately for me, St. Louis wasn't anything to write home about...

I was only in St. Louis for 2 days but I feel like I got a good idea of everything the city has to offer. On one end of the city you have the football arena and on the other end you have the baseball stadium. Between that, you've got the Gateway Arch, a bunch of boring looking buildings, and countless Nelly look-alikes. The baseball stadium is phenomenal. From the street level, you can actually see into the stadium. After seeing the layout and the location of the stadium, I certainly understand why they say St. Louis is the best place to see a baseball game.

 

Don't let the picture above fool you, the gondola tour of the Gateway Arch was an utter disappointment. There was no tour involved whatsoever. You take a 3 minute ride to the top in a windowless pod (for Star Wars fan, I would liken this to the pod that Princess Leia escapes in in the The Empire Strikes Back), and you have about 6 tiny windows to enjoy the view once you get to the top. If you want a view of the city, buy a postcard--don't waste the $10 it costs to get to the top of the arch. Making the trip to the top a bit more disappointing was the fact that I dropped what I thought to be a hysterical joke (about watching a baseball game from the moon) that got crickets. I managed to salvage my comedic prowess on the way down:

(The gondola lands at the ground level, and I exit. Immediately outside of the gondolas is a fresh group of 30-35 tourists waiting to get on)

Lady: Wow!  looks like a time machine! (she is about 15 feet from me, and had no idea that I heard her comment)

Me: Hi! (reaching my hand out to her) I'm from the future.  Nice to meet you! (Place goes bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S)

I also took the time to check out a tour of the Anheuser Busch brewery. That was definitely worth the price of admission (free). I always wanted to shake the hand of the man who helped me lose my virginity, and this is the closest I'll come. I'm not a big fan of history museums or tours per say, but if you tell me I'm getting free beers at the end, I'm all in. The tour wraps up in a "hospitality room" where there are 2 bartenders standing next to taps literally waiting to serve you. You merely walk up to them, take your choice of the 8 or 10 draught beers they have (I chose Shock Top, which I hadn't even realized was an Anheuser Busch beer) and sit down. Supposedly they limit you to 2 beers, but I'm sure they've encountered many a meatball who came in there and tried to make an afternoon of it. On a related note, if my boss finds out that I was tipping back some suds on a Tuesday afternoon at 1 p.m. on a business trip, I may be terminated.


All in all, I enjoyed my time in St. Louis. The only reason I would go back to the city on my own dime is to attend a baseball game. Other than that, I believe I've seen all there is to the city. Don't get me wrong, if the St. Lunatics announce some sort of reunion show that takes place in the Gateway City, you know where to find me.



 

San Francisco

Before heading to San Fran, I had a layover in Denver. While our plane was getting ready to hit the Tarmac from Charlotte to Denver, they announced that the mechanics had to change one of our tires (After taking a peak out my window, I was able to see that our plane had 2 giant tires on each side--I'll get back to this). After waiting about 25 minutes for the crew to change our tire, I noticed one of the mechanics looking up at me. My guess is that he was the proverbial boner of the group and didn't have much to offer the team so he just stood there pretending to know what was going on.  As I prayed to the lord that the crew was competent enough to replace the tire, my mind began racing: What if, immediately after we took off, the crew realized that the tire they replaced wouldn't hold up for our landing (Per my previous note, this new tire represents 25% of our landing gear and 100% of my fate). What the hell would the airline do? Tell the pilot to land on water? Crash-landing in a field somewhere in Iowa? Risk landing with three tires? Once I got past the point of planning my own death and coming to terms with it, I realized how awesome of a movie it'd be. Con Air meets Snakes on a Plane meets Air Force One. I can already picture the most gripping scene in the movie right now: Samuel L. Jackson interrupts Nick Cage and Harrison Ford in the middle of a "how to save the most passengers" argument..."Im'a get these mother fuckers on the mother fuckin' ground!"

Needless to say, the plane landed without incident (sorry Michael Bay) and my layover in Denver was entirely uneventful. I landed in San Fran a few hours later...

I putzed around Berkeley for a couple days (and uhhh... did...."work") before venturing into the City by the Bay.  Berkeley is home to one of the bigger University of Cal campuses and least amount of parking spots per square mile. Highlight of Berkeley:

-I ate at an Italian restaurant on campus one night and they had the below "if you don't get laid after taking a girl here, you won't ever get laid" menu item: 

I'm wondering how many unplanned pregnancies and subsequent failed marriages stemmed from this Pandora's box of disaster.


After arriving in San Fran, I parked at Fisherman's Wharf and walked south into the city. Since I have absolutely no sense of direction, I decided to find a nearby landmark to use as a marker for where I parked. I made the mistake of using a bike shop that said "Bike tours to the Golden Gate Bridge" as my point of reference (a later Google search returned 78 hits for "Golden Gate bike tours").  Fifteen miles later, I made it back to my car. Highlights of my journey:

-While waiting at a crosswalk, a slight breeze came through the area. A woman looked at me with the universal "brrrr, it's cold" look (shoulders shrugged,  blowing into cupped hands) and said "boy, I feel bad for the homeless TONIGHT!" (with a firm emphasis on TONIGHT). Good point lady.  I was sold on the whole idea of homelessness until you mentioned the cold. 

-A guy working the cable car tried to convince a 12 year old Chinese girl that he was a better basketball player than Michael Jordan. His exact line? Well, if you go into the "archives", you'll see he was always "gliding at the top of the key". Listen, pal. This girl (and the rest of the cable car, for that matter) cares about your basketball skills about as much as Charlie Sheen cares about doing coke with someone other than a porn star and/or hooker.

-I saw a rainbow. What does it mean?

-I got insanely lost in San Francisco.  This was actually part of the plan--I wanted to see as much of the city as possible, and wandering around with no idea as to where I was or where I was going seemed like the best idea.  Needless to say, I had plenty of time to...well...just watch the below video and you'll have an idea of exactly how much time I had on my hands.

All in all, I liked San Fran a lot. Not sure I could make it out there given the high cost of living, number of steep hills to walk within the city, and the overwhelming number of hippies, but it's a great place to visit. Also, say what you will about the whole "East Coast Bias" when it comes to the time of the day events occur, but I've got no problem watching college football starting at 9 a.m. on Saturdays, having my Sunday night NFL game wrap up before 9 p.m. and watching daily NBA match-ups starting at 4 p.m.

Trip 1: Rome, NY and Asheville, NC

Trip 1: Asheville, NC and Rome, NY

I wasn't in Asheville long enough to offer any sort of insight as to what the city is all about.  I did however, fall victim to one of my biggest pet peeves:  I used headphones while driving.  I guess it's not as dangerous as I thought it once was, so I think I'm going to keep doing it.  On a side note, that new song 'If I Die Young' by The Band Perry is literally out of this world.  How ironic would it be if I crashed my car while listening to that on head phones...


Flying to Syracuse was a breeze. Literally. As soon as I landed, the shitshow began.  The city was in the midst of the biggest snow storm planet earth has ever seen.

Driving in this mess was one thing, but the lack of concentration I had on the road was another.  I thought the drive would go by quicker if I calculated what time I would arrive to my destination based off of how incorrect the ETA on my goddamn GPS was.  So, about half of the time I was staring back and forth from the clock to the GPS until I gave up.  Here's your next million dollar invention:  Invent a GPS that uses your speed, distance, weather, traffic, and the amount of incompetent female drivers around you to give you an accurate ETA.

Anyone ever wonder what happens to the people who get caught on the turnpike with no money?  Well, I was fortunate enough to find out first hand.  As I passed through the toll both en route to Rome, NY I had an ample number of opportunities to pull off and stop an ATM, but I decided to roll the dice.  I pulled through the toll booth, expecting that these people see AT LEAST 2 or 3 people a day without money and wasn't too worried about it.  I mean, come on.  The toll road starts right by the airport.  You have to figure there are people flying in town for business that are unaware of this and don't have cash.  Boy was I wrong...


The woman looked at me as if I was attempting to smuggle a bunch of AIDS-infected Mexicans into New York City. I won't get into details, just suffice it to say the idiot literally wrote me a ticket for $1.45.  I still told her to have a good night, just because I'm a nice guy.

Highlights of the Trip: 

-Eating "Italian Nachos".  If you're ever in New York, check them out. Picture a hungry Mario and Luigi sitting down with Fidel Castro, given the task of developing a terribly unhealthy dish.

-Seeing a guy shoveling snow in a sleeveless shirt.  That's the Southern equivalent of sunbathing in a Snuggie. The guy was clearly cold but I'm guessing he was either too drunk or Italian to realize it.

One final note...
People always wonder why I insist on spelling my full-name whenever I'm on the phone giving personal information.  They usually understand the importance of spelling "Lewis" since there are several ways to go wrong, but "Ryan"???  Come on...  Well, thank you La Roma's Pizzeria for stepping up to the plate on this one. Please see below.

Four things I'm not going to do on Facebook...

1) Wish you a happy birthday.


-Listen, if you’re birthday is important enough to me, I’ll text (and maybe, if you are one of 7 people, call) you. I can’t tell you how many of my birthdays I’ve had this scenario play out: A random friend says “Oh…hey, happy birthday by the way” while a random acquaintance overhears and says “Wait…it’s your birthday?!? Happy birthday man!” Stop it. We both know you were as eager to wish me a happy birthday as I was to read the newest Nicholas Sparks book.



2) Post a status that in some way, shape, or form mentions or refers to a limo bus.

-Unless you are 16 years old and going to prom or filming an X-rated movie (or some awesome combination of both*), you don’t need a limo bus. You go ahead and take the limo bus to the Winking Lizard on Mentor Avenue, I’ll drive myself.



3) Take, post, and tag a picture of myself.**

-This has really been going on for far too long now, and someone needs to say something. Congratulations, you put together an outfit that you think looks nice. Terrific, you are sitting in your car at a red light wearing your new sunglasses. Go fly a kite.



4) Mention my significant other.

-I cannot stress enough how little I care about how terrific your boyfriend is. The only reason he’s cooking you dinner or taking you to the movies is so he can get laid. There is a good chance that in the next 6 months he will either A) break up with you, or, B) cheat on you. Please feel free to post something (or message me directly) after A or B occurs.







*If anyone has seen anything like this, please e-mail me

**Please note, exceptions to this rule include taking a picture of yourself while pooping, puking, or crying.

four things i don't want you doing in a bathroom at work

1) answering your phone while taking a number two...


-i don't care how important the call is. also, i don't care if you speak a different language so i can't understand what you're saying. as far as i'm concerned, if you are answering your phone while taking a poop and speaking another language, you are a terrorist. isnt that how 9/11 got started anyways?

2) brushing your teeth...

-anytime i see someone brushing their teeth in the bathroom at my office, i can feel them giving me one of those "ahh...my teeth are sooo important that i have to brush them three times a day" looks. unless you eat a lot of cabbage or chain-smoke, twice a day is enough. which brings me to my next point...

3) eating cabbage or chain-smoking(see point number two, pun intended)...

4) holding a conversation above and beyond, "hey, how's it going"...

-point in case, last week i was caught in a bathroom love triangle. two guys walked in together (also a 'no-no') and continued their conversation. the conversation continued to the point where one guy sat down in a stall at the north sector of the bathroom and the other stood at a urinal on the south border of the bathroom. me? well i was at the central part of the bathroom. picture our hypothetical pooper canada, our hypothetical pisser mexico, and me....topeka, kansas. i was caught between the two, trying to take care of business and just couldn't concentrate. don't be a jerk. don't do this.

when a game of scrabble turns into a true moral dilemma

i've always been a fan of clearing up things that are underrated and overrated.  for example, sushi is overrated. fact. on the other hand, 'america's funniest home videos'...incredibly underrated (side note: why are the three finalist videos always the worst? frankly, i don't even stick around for the last 10 minutes of the show. at no point in the history of mankind has a parrot playing basketball with a monkey ever been funnier than a kid hitting his dad in the nuts with a sledgehammer. anyways, i digress..)

scrabble...underrated. it is one of the few board games that i have never gotten sick of. it's not a game that requires a ton of skill and/or attention (you can play it while drinking beers and watching tv) and you only need two people to have a solid game. while this seems like a pretty laid back way to kill some time, if you're anything like me you like to turn everything into a competition.  such was the case when i played scrabble not too long ago with my girlfriend and her family.

on this particular weekend, i was in new jersey meeting her family (parents, grandparents) as well as neighbors and family friends. we were getting ready to have a cookout, and we were passing the time with a friendly game of scrabble.  i was playing against her brother-in-law, while she sat on with both of her grandparents and observed.  wanting to assert my dominance in this age-old classic board game, i had no intentions of losing. however, i began to get a little worried as i learned how formidable my opponent was. i slowplayed the match a bit too long, thinking i would eventually drop some 75 point humdinger and march off in a blaze of glory. to put it quite simply, that was not the case.

with the match in doubt, i caught a lucky break. he had to pass on his turn since he had no moves. this opened the door for me. i knew that if i could somehow get rid of my last three letters, i may have enough points to muster up a come-from-behind win. i looked to my opponent: he had 3 tiles left. since he had no moves, my hunch is that he had a couple of crummy letters. i then looked at my letters: C L T. i then looked to the board. with so much going on, there weren't many open spots. an open Y.....what the hell could i do with that. maybe that A-M would work....nope. then, i saw a break in the action. standing all by it's lonesome on the northeast corner of the board was an open I. above the I was two open spots, below it-two more open spots. think about it......... that's right, i had a perfect opportunity to spell a word otherwise known as 'nature's rubik's cube'

i looked to grandma. i looked at my letters. i looked at grandpa. i looked back at my letters. i wasn't going to lose this match...i couldn't. just as i pictured myself celebrating the victory by high-fiving...well, myself, i also pictured the disgusted look on everyone's faces and me getting thrown out of the front door by her father. i couldn't put myself through it. i found myself at a moral crossroads and i, unfortunately, had to take the high road. "no moves", i begrudgingly declared. moral integrity: 1. scrabble pride: 0.

never pass up the opportunity to beat up a teenager

today's lesson: never pass up the opportunity to beat up a teenager.


so, today after work i was playing a little tennis with a buddy. let me rephrase that. today, i was playing a little shirtless tennis with a buddy. don't worry, i'm not naive. unless i missed some sort of memo, i do in fact understand that 5'9'', 175 lbs is not the new 6'2'', 180 lbs of lean, mean, 'iron your clothes on my abs' fighting machine. needless to say, i was at a local park and could care less about what people thought of my "modern" body. things were going well until a group of teenage skateboard punks showed up trying to act cool. i wanted to kick their asses although, they shouldn't have taken it personally. i was one of those same punks 10 years ago, and, well, i'd like to go back and kick my ass.


after they spent about 15 minutes skating around, saying cool things like "nice ollie, pussy" and "you're a homo" to each other, they skated past my shirtless, sweaty, play-doh body. in passing, the ring leader of the group said (in a sarcastic, mocking, 'i'm a douchebag', pre-pubescent, voice) "ahh...look at my flubby tummy..."

at that point, i didn't know what was more embarrassing: the fact that these kids are arguably bigger bad-asses right now than i'll ever be, or the fact that i (probably 10 years their senior) wanted to physically fight them. (to complete the triad of embarrassment, it is quite possible....in fact likely....that they would have kicked my ass). immediately, a couple scenarios ran into my head:

1) quick. point out something embarrassing about one of the kids, so the other two gang up on him and laugh with me

2) take one of their skateboards and break it

3) hit a tennis ball at one of the kids

...long story short, i didn't do any of those things and i really regret it. this is something that's gonna bug me for awhile. a feeling comparable to, "hey, i meant to tell you, 3 years ago when you were dating whatsherface i saw her blowing some guy in the bathroom". so, everyone out there, next time you see a teenager being a dickhead, don't give him the benefit of the doubt. please.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfR42GOAemI