1) Wish you a happy birthday.
-Listen, if you’re birthday is important enough to me, I’ll text (and maybe, if you are one of 7 people, call) you. I can’t tell you how many of my birthdays I’ve had this scenario play out: A random friend says “Oh…hey, happy birthday by the way” while a random acquaintance overhears and says “Wait…it’s your birthday?!? Happy birthday man!” Stop it. We both know you were as eager to wish me a happy birthday as I was to read the newest Nicholas Sparks book.
2) Post a status that in some way, shape, or form mentions or refers to a limo bus.
-Unless you are 16 years old and going to prom or filming an X-rated movie (or some awesome combination of both*), you don’t need a limo bus. You go ahead and take the limo bus to the Winking Lizard on Mentor Avenue, I’ll drive myself.
3) Take, post, and tag a picture of myself.**
-This has really been going on for far too long now, and someone needs to say something. Congratulations, you put together an outfit that you think looks nice. Terrific, you are sitting in your car at a red light wearing your new sunglasses. Go fly a kite.
4) Mention my significant other.
-I cannot stress enough how little I care about how terrific your boyfriend is. The only reason he’s cooking you dinner or taking you to the movies is so he can get laid. There is a good chance that in the next 6 months he will either A) break up with you, or, B) cheat on you. Please feel free to post something (or message me directly) after A or B occurs.
*If anyone has seen anything like this, please e-mail me
**Please note, exceptions to this rule include taking a picture of yourself while pooping, puking, or crying.
