Trip 1: Rome, NY and Asheville, NC

Trip 1: Asheville, NC and Rome, NY

I wasn't in Asheville long enough to offer any sort of insight as to what the city is all about.  I did however, fall victim to one of my biggest pet peeves:  I used headphones while driving.  I guess it's not as dangerous as I thought it once was, so I think I'm going to keep doing it.  On a side note, that new song 'If I Die Young' by The Band Perry is literally out of this world.  How ironic would it be if I crashed my car while listening to that on head phones...


Flying to Syracuse was a breeze. Literally. As soon as I landed, the shitshow began.  The city was in the midst of the biggest snow storm planet earth has ever seen.

Driving in this mess was one thing, but the lack of concentration I had on the road was another.  I thought the drive would go by quicker if I calculated what time I would arrive to my destination based off of how incorrect the ETA on my goddamn GPS was.  So, about half of the time I was staring back and forth from the clock to the GPS until I gave up.  Here's your next million dollar invention:  Invent a GPS that uses your speed, distance, weather, traffic, and the amount of incompetent female drivers around you to give you an accurate ETA.

Anyone ever wonder what happens to the people who get caught on the turnpike with no money?  Well, I was fortunate enough to find out first hand.  As I passed through the toll both en route to Rome, NY I had an ample number of opportunities to pull off and stop an ATM, but I decided to roll the dice.  I pulled through the toll booth, expecting that these people see AT LEAST 2 or 3 people a day without money and wasn't too worried about it.  I mean, come on.  The toll road starts right by the airport.  You have to figure there are people flying in town for business that are unaware of this and don't have cash.  Boy was I wrong...


The woman looked at me as if I was attempting to smuggle a bunch of AIDS-infected Mexicans into New York City. I won't get into details, just suffice it to say the idiot literally wrote me a ticket for $1.45.  I still told her to have a good night, just because I'm a nice guy.

Highlights of the Trip: 

-Eating "Italian Nachos".  If you're ever in New York, check them out. Picture a hungry Mario and Luigi sitting down with Fidel Castro, given the task of developing a terribly unhealthy dish.

-Seeing a guy shoveling snow in a sleeveless shirt.  That's the Southern equivalent of sunbathing in a Snuggie. The guy was clearly cold but I'm guessing he was either too drunk or Italian to realize it.

One final note...
People always wonder why I insist on spelling my full-name whenever I'm on the phone giving personal information.  They usually understand the importance of spelling "Lewis" since there are several ways to go wrong, but "Ryan"???  Come on...  Well, thank you La Roma's Pizzeria for stepping up to the plate on this one. Please see below.

Four things I'm not going to do on Facebook...

1) Wish you a happy birthday.


-Listen, if you’re birthday is important enough to me, I’ll text (and maybe, if you are one of 7 people, call) you. I can’t tell you how many of my birthdays I’ve had this scenario play out: A random friend says “Oh…hey, happy birthday by the way” while a random acquaintance overhears and says “Wait…it’s your birthday?!? Happy birthday man!” Stop it. We both know you were as eager to wish me a happy birthday as I was to read the newest Nicholas Sparks book.



2) Post a status that in some way, shape, or form mentions or refers to a limo bus.

-Unless you are 16 years old and going to prom or filming an X-rated movie (or some awesome combination of both*), you don’t need a limo bus. You go ahead and take the limo bus to the Winking Lizard on Mentor Avenue, I’ll drive myself.



3) Take, post, and tag a picture of myself.**

-This has really been going on for far too long now, and someone needs to say something. Congratulations, you put together an outfit that you think looks nice. Terrific, you are sitting in your car at a red light wearing your new sunglasses. Go fly a kite.



4) Mention my significant other.

-I cannot stress enough how little I care about how terrific your boyfriend is. The only reason he’s cooking you dinner or taking you to the movies is so he can get laid. There is a good chance that in the next 6 months he will either A) break up with you, or, B) cheat on you. Please feel free to post something (or message me directly) after A or B occurs.







*If anyone has seen anything like this, please e-mail me

**Please note, exceptions to this rule include taking a picture of yourself while pooping, puking, or crying.

four things i don't want you doing in a bathroom at work

1) answering your phone while taking a number two...


-i don't care how important the call is. also, i don't care if you speak a different language so i can't understand what you're saying. as far as i'm concerned, if you are answering your phone while taking a poop and speaking another language, you are a terrorist. isnt that how 9/11 got started anyways?

2) brushing your teeth...

-anytime i see someone brushing their teeth in the bathroom at my office, i can feel them giving me one of those "ahh...my teeth are sooo important that i have to brush them three times a day" looks. unless you eat a lot of cabbage or chain-smoke, twice a day is enough. which brings me to my next point...

3) eating cabbage or chain-smoking(see point number two, pun intended)...

4) holding a conversation above and beyond, "hey, how's it going"...

-point in case, last week i was caught in a bathroom love triangle. two guys walked in together (also a 'no-no') and continued their conversation. the conversation continued to the point where one guy sat down in a stall at the north sector of the bathroom and the other stood at a urinal on the south border of the bathroom. me? well i was at the central part of the bathroom. picture our hypothetical pooper canada, our hypothetical pisser mexico, and me....topeka, kansas. i was caught between the two, trying to take care of business and just couldn't concentrate. don't be a jerk. don't do this.

when a game of scrabble turns into a true moral dilemma

i've always been a fan of clearing up things that are underrated and overrated.  for example, sushi is overrated. fact. on the other hand, 'america's funniest home videos'...incredibly underrated (side note: why are the three finalist videos always the worst? frankly, i don't even stick around for the last 10 minutes of the show. at no point in the history of mankind has a parrot playing basketball with a monkey ever been funnier than a kid hitting his dad in the nuts with a sledgehammer. anyways, i digress..)

scrabble...underrated. it is one of the few board games that i have never gotten sick of. it's not a game that requires a ton of skill and/or attention (you can play it while drinking beers and watching tv) and you only need two people to have a solid game. while this seems like a pretty laid back way to kill some time, if you're anything like me you like to turn everything into a competition.  such was the case when i played scrabble not too long ago with my girlfriend and her family.

on this particular weekend, i was in new jersey meeting her family (parents, grandparents) as well as neighbors and family friends. we were getting ready to have a cookout, and we were passing the time with a friendly game of scrabble.  i was playing against her brother-in-law, while she sat on with both of her grandparents and observed.  wanting to assert my dominance in this age-old classic board game, i had no intentions of losing. however, i began to get a little worried as i learned how formidable my opponent was. i slowplayed the match a bit too long, thinking i would eventually drop some 75 point humdinger and march off in a blaze of glory. to put it quite simply, that was not the case.

with the match in doubt, i caught a lucky break. he had to pass on his turn since he had no moves. this opened the door for me. i knew that if i could somehow get rid of my last three letters, i may have enough points to muster up a come-from-behind win. i looked to my opponent: he had 3 tiles left. since he had no moves, my hunch is that he had a couple of crummy letters. i then looked at my letters: C L T. i then looked to the board. with so much going on, there weren't many open spots. an open Y.....what the hell could i do with that. maybe that A-M would work....nope. then, i saw a break in the action. standing all by it's lonesome on the northeast corner of the board was an open I. above the I was two open spots, below it-two more open spots. think about it......... that's right, i had a perfect opportunity to spell a word otherwise known as 'nature's rubik's cube'

i looked to grandma. i looked at my letters. i looked at grandpa. i looked back at my letters. i wasn't going to lose this match...i couldn't. just as i pictured myself celebrating the victory by high-fiving...well, myself, i also pictured the disgusted look on everyone's faces and me getting thrown out of the front door by her father. i couldn't put myself through it. i found myself at a moral crossroads and i, unfortunately, had to take the high road. "no moves", i begrudgingly declared. moral integrity: 1. scrabble pride: 0.

never pass up the opportunity to beat up a teenager

today's lesson: never pass up the opportunity to beat up a teenager.


so, today after work i was playing a little tennis with a buddy. let me rephrase that. today, i was playing a little shirtless tennis with a buddy. don't worry, i'm not naive. unless i missed some sort of memo, i do in fact understand that 5'9'', 175 lbs is not the new 6'2'', 180 lbs of lean, mean, 'iron your clothes on my abs' fighting machine. needless to say, i was at a local park and could care less about what people thought of my "modern" body. things were going well until a group of teenage skateboard punks showed up trying to act cool. i wanted to kick their asses although, they shouldn't have taken it personally. i was one of those same punks 10 years ago, and, well, i'd like to go back and kick my ass.


after they spent about 15 minutes skating around, saying cool things like "nice ollie, pussy" and "you're a homo" to each other, they skated past my shirtless, sweaty, play-doh body. in passing, the ring leader of the group said (in a sarcastic, mocking, 'i'm a douchebag', pre-pubescent, voice) "ahh...look at my flubby tummy..."

at that point, i didn't know what was more embarrassing: the fact that these kids are arguably bigger bad-asses right now than i'll ever be, or the fact that i (probably 10 years their senior) wanted to physically fight them. (to complete the triad of embarrassment, it is quite possible....in fact likely....that they would have kicked my ass). immediately, a couple scenarios ran into my head:

1) quick. point out something embarrassing about one of the kids, so the other two gang up on him and laugh with me

2) take one of their skateboards and break it

3) hit a tennis ball at one of the kids

...long story short, i didn't do any of those things and i really regret it. this is something that's gonna bug me for awhile. a feeling comparable to, "hey, i meant to tell you, 3 years ago when you were dating whatsherface i saw her blowing some guy in the bathroom". so, everyone out there, next time you see a teenager being a dickhead, don't give him the benefit of the doubt. please.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfR42GOAemI